Just to clarify...

My grandmother, on hearing the news, made an interesting point.

'She is not to say that "we have decided to separate",' she announced, 'as he is the one who wants out.'

It's a bit chicken and egg.  Is it better to be leaving or to be the one left behind?  Does it matter?  If I do really want us to stay together, should I be fighting harder rather that taking the easy way out, and giving up? For some demented reason I suggested that we tell people (I know, I know, we don't have to tell people anything but similarly I don't really want to put it as a postscript in the Christmas cards - and would we be sending individual ones?) that we had decided to separate "as we wanted different things in life".  Well, that's true.

Many unexpected little gems of wisdom make me realise I'm going through something very common and quite universal.  Crazy Aunt Purl (see sidebar) makes a lot of sense.  Someone else offered this fabulously contradictory pearl - 'Don't take anyone's advice.'  That seems eminently sensible.  The other entreaty was to take care of myself, which is also something to remember.

So as Ruth said, it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.  Perhaps being more honest in the first place would mean I wouldn't be in this position (mostly foetal, protecting my head) but the real truth of it is, that some very tiny things in the last few days have made me realise that perhaps at the moment I'm not being quite myself anyway, and haven't been for a while.  My long-time acupuncturist (while sticking pins in me and dispensing therapy today) told me that I've always struck him as someone who trusts in their own vision, 'not wanting to sound corny,' he said, 'but you follow what your heart tells you.'  'Not my heart.  My stomach.'  He immediately said that was it -  and that the stomach is the most dense part of the body and it tells you quickly whether something agrees with you or not.  I always get the instinctive reaction there, either the heavy acidic dread or the tingly butterflies of excitement. 

I believe that the butterflies will come again. 

Last night I organised a Nanowrimo write in, which was great fun.  Met some very daft and great fun people and I'm very glad I went.   Similarly I went to a gig with an old college friend on Monday, after he texted me out of the blue to say that he was in town for the night, on tour with Moya Brennan. And bumped into someone I worked with many years ago, which was totally random - and rather than just sit there all evening thinking - god, I'm sure I know her - I went up and had a chat with her.  All  most unlike me.  Or the recent me anyway. 

See this is what happens in this house when you try to clear a space and do some work.  But I must get back to it to have any chance of having anything ready for Saturday.

Comments

[bekka]

grandmothers are so wise! sorry to read about your worries. hope things look promising again soon.

[Denise]

gahhh! When I try to click on the links I get the "BAD GIRL you are not to look at these pages" (or whatever the official lingo is) from the work web filter. What kind of people are you hanging out with at all at all? ;)

[Amy]

So sorry to hear about your difficulties. Glad to hear that you have family around to bolster you. These things are universal as you said, but that doesn't necessarily make them any easier to slog through. I hope things work out in a way that will be good in the long term and please know there are many of us out here in the blogosphere wishing you well.

[kirsty]

This might sound really lame but it occurred to me that it would be a tragedy to force a relationship with someone who didn't desperately want you and, because of it, miss out on someone who DID.
Grandmas truly can be wise. When my sister split up with her first husband she was expecting CRAP from our gossiping, nasty grandmother. Instead she got, "Brave girl. I wish I hadn't stuck it out for so long."

[ruth singer]

yes, trust your gut instinct. It's the only way I make decisions. and hang on to that cat, he's lovely!

[GiGi]

I went through the same thing eleven years ago. It takes time, but one evening you realize you went a whole day without thinking about it, and then one Saturday you laugh that a week went by, and then...

[pixie]

Ha. Hooray for Grandma. Tell it like it is....if you want, or tell something else, or nithing at all. To thine own self be true....