I feel I think too much.

It’s Sunday morning. In my case, an extremely lazy Sunday morning.  I woke about eight, because the sun was doing an admirable job of penetrating the black-out blinds – I must put up GALMI* to put up the effing curtains so that I don’t feel interrogated by nature every morning.

Well, every morning that there’s a suggestion of natural light out there.  The skies have darkened considerably and it’s all just damp.  Damp is not good (with the sole of exception of Nigella’s ‘Dense Damp Chocolate Loaf Cake’ in How to Eat which vies for the accolade of World’s Most Superlative Baked Creation with the ‘Quadruple Chocolate Cake in Feast) because let’s face it, it’s the merest step away from that odious word ‘moist’. Makes my skin crawl even typing it.

So, I’m propped up in bed, cocooned from the greyness, with laptop and books and writing materials, wearing the spotty dressing gown, and I’ve just had fish food for breakfast.  Oh alright, before you go putting in a call to St Gobnait’s Home for Bewildered Youngish Ladies, I did feed the cats first, and I’m not on their Whiskas.  It was Phish food for me.  Now that you understand that I had chocolate ice cream, swirled with marshmallow and liberally studded with dinky ickle chocolate fishes, you feel so relieved, don’t you?
I have decided (bear with me here) that it’s time to do whatever feels best for me.  Including having chocolate for breakfast and lounging about in bed until half-past lunchtime.  Perhaps that sounds somewhat selfish, but I don’t feel that I am generally an overly self-indulgent or selfish person, though my moment in that sun may be coming. If anything, I’ve rather taken some mantras too much to heart (“It’s Nice to be Nice”, ‘If You Can’t Say Anything Nice, Don’t Say Anything At All” “Nobody likes a Show-Off”) and that’s put me at a definite disadvantage – in relationships, in my career and in terms of realising my hopes and dreams for myself.  I have spent far, far too much time in pursuit of “shoulds” and “would be best ifs” and “I’d betters” and gazing lazily and longingly at others' achievements and exuberances, beating myself up a little more each time.   It’s time for “Guess what?!s” and “I’m so excited abouts” and “I shouldn’t buts”.  I don’t want to keep looking back at my life – even though I’m only a shade away from a mere thirty-three, and keep saying if, if only.  So brace yourselves. It's bound to show up here in some shape or form.

I talked to an intriguingly interesting and challenging counsellor woman on Friday, as part of the whole ‘I Will Not Allow This To Make Me Mad[der]’ campaign and she was asking me how I felt about what’s happening, how it had made me feel and I realised as the hour drifted on, that with an almost pathological though undeliberate obstinacy, I started each answer with ‘I think’ – even ‘I think I felt…’ which partly accounts for “how well I’ve been handling” the separation, to quote others.  The fact was that I retreated into crafting and creative pursuits – good; making connections with new friends and renewing links with old friends – good; and only paid lip-service to the notion that I’d had my heart broken and felt thrown on the scrap heap.  Not in the usual ‘heaps of stash scraps for making wonderful creations out of virtually nothing’ sense either. 
Right now I need to accept that pending legal solutions and indeed dissolutions,  I have a Phantom Husband, a little like a phantom limb: though the actual appendage is gone, I still feel the pain. I will allow myself to feel it, rather than over-analysing it as a way of denying it, and it will stop being part of my identity as more positive things take its place.   Because soon it will be gone, and I will have recovered fully from the amputation.  Fighting fit, as they say…

* Get A Little Man In – from a old sitcom many years ago, it has evolved into a family saw.  A bit like “Enter fairy through gap in hedge,”, “Charge” and “MFT”.

This post was brought to you by the Over-Arching Influence of Capital Letters, the Heady Intoxication of the Wide Open Blog Page, and the Power of Sugar.

Comments

[Jo]

I think doing what ever you damn well want is a great plan! Why shouldn't what you want or need be top priority? It's all to easy to do what we think we should - I know as I do it all the time too!

[lucy]

Well that was profound. I always end up trying to do the things that will please other people most - usually meaning I end up feeling put upon and pretty grumpy. Husbands are especially difficult because they really are a different species. I had never imagined I would end up being one of thise women who whinges about the inadequacies of men but really, they just don't think like we do and they really can't do more than one thing at a time. Hope you feel better soon.

[Ting]

I have chocolate for breakfast too!! It's my secret shame but it's also my little weekend treat. In fact, I keep a stash of chocolate bars by my bedside table so all I have to do is sneak my arm out of the duvet - hee hee!

[Denise]

One old family saw of yours I always remember was "that was very remiss of you, Johnny", which I quote to Shawn every now and again, much to his bemusement and my giggling pleasure :)

[Amy]

It sounds like you're doing remarkably well, all things considered. What a difficult transition this must be. I've been through many a breakup, but never a divorce, but my husband was married before and he has confirmed many times to me that the old hack saying that living well is the best revenge really is true. You will live well and it will be great. Trust me, I can just feel it.

[claire]

Good for you!

It's the people who never have this realisation who end up in the most trouble, in my experience.

If you ever need a late-night icecream and margarita buddy, I can be there in 20 minutes.

[raspberry]

I wish I could eat chocolate in bed :) I think somehow I would be beaten to it!

You are doing great, better to feel than to deny, even though that can be the hardest thing, so don't worry, and we can all have a hug via the magic of broadband!

[kirsty]

Flibberty, you are so, so right. To have figured all this out in such a short time bodes very well indeed for the next part of your adventure. I fully support the concept of
pleasing yourself! Wish I was there to eat chocolate and icecream with you.

[Julie]

As a fellow sufferer of "I'd better..." who, like you would rather be nice than be seen as rude, I salute your new attitude to life - may it bring you lots of exciting new possibilities that you'd otherwise have missed.

[Nonnie]

Hi, I just discovered you via 'an irish craftworker'. I think having icecream for breakfast is a fantastic idea! Especially the chocolate variety. I've had a quick read of some of your previous posts and it sounds like giving yourself such treats is exactly the right thing to do at the moment. You've got to look after yourself. I'll definitely be back to visit again.